Apple CEO: Where's the Beef

by , 2:00 PM EDT, April 1st, 2007

In a surprise press conference held on Apple's Cupertino campus on April 1, company CEO Steve Jobs announced that he is giving up his pescetarianism in favor of a diet that regularly includes red meat. "I've been experimenting with bison and venison for the past couple of months," he said. "Today I decided to go all the way and start eating beef."

The move comes as a shock to vegans and vegitarians throughout the central California region. Greenpeace representatives fear this may be just the beginning, and began speculating that Mr. Jobs will eventually reveal that he drives a Hummer fueled by cute small animals with big teardrop eyes.

Other experts have already begun to analyze Mr. Jobs's, and by extension, Apple's move to a carnivorous diet. Technology analyst Rob Enderle, known for his deep understanding of Apple's market motives, noted "This is just another example of Apple moving into a well established market as a follower. Apple's Johnny-come-lately attitude underscores the company's inability to innovate."

"Steve's meat eater proclamation supports my belief that the beef industry is already on its way out," he said. "Outback Steak House? Texas Road House? Sizzler? Gone. I give them six months, tops."

Mr. Jobs explained that his decision was motivated just as much by necessity as taste. "If I'm going to be stopping by the drive through at Mickey-dees on the way back from the kid's soccer practice anyhow, I might as well pick up a burger for myself," he said. "Time is money, and my time is worth a lot of money. This way I'm saving time by grabbing some dinner for myself, too."

Later in the day, Microsoft CEO Steve Ballmer announced that he is also eating beef. "Once again, Jobs is trying to copy our innovative lifestyle. I've been eating beef as long as I can remember."

He added "Woo-hoo! Developers! Wee-ah!"

In a separate press release, Microsoft announced that it has completed a hostile take over of both Krispy Kreme and White Castle.

The press release said, in part, "Microsoft, best known for its innovation and market leadership in the food service industry, is launching its new beef-based hamburger lunch and dinner sandwich product. The sandwich, called the Microsoft Zuneburger Personal Dining Experience, includes an all-beef patty nestled between two toasted glazed donuts."