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On The Flip Side
by Michael Munger




You're Using A Mac? You Don't Know What You're Missing!
December 28th, 1999

You guys are actually using Macintosh computers? Ah come on, tell me you're kidding. Who uses Macs anyway?

If you adopted that platform to accomplish anything, you have no idea of what you could be missing. Here is a short list of indispensable features that you will never find on anything but a PC.

The Blue Screen of Death

Nothing is more fashionable than a Wintel box. According to my favorite Quebec-based information magazine (sorry, no Internet link is available), the International Color Consortium enjoys significant influence over the choice of mainstream colors used in publishing and product manufacturing. The choices made for advertising design and the most popular clothing product colors says that blue will be the color of the year 2000.

According to the article, this is what was decided some time ago and it will be followed around the planet. Fortunately, the Windows operating system sports this color scheme already. The Blue Screen of Death (exclusive property of Microsoft) makes your PC as cool as it gets because it reflects the main color tendencies of the fashion market. And you thought your Tangerine iBook rocked. Think again...

The Year 2000 Feature

Who wants to go back in time? Everybody expresses curiosity to explore history live and find out how things were during a given period. Everybody wants a time machine, right? Nothing will bring it to you better than a PC!

The Year 2000 Bug, I mean Feature, does all the work for you. That Time Machine was cheaper than you thought, wasn't it. Automatically, when your clock hits January 1, 2000 at 0:00, you will go back to 1900! This is the opportunity of a lifetime and you should take advantage of it. You should envy PC users for this wonderful gift bundled with their non-compliant computer.

"1900? Cool! Where do I go?", you night ask. Let me recommend France. You will be able to find out what the #*@! is that Dreyfus Affair anyway. You heard about it but never understood what it was really about. Here is your occasion to live right there when it happened. J'accuse!

Solitaire

Gaming anyone? This is the standard game shipping with every copy of Windows and no matter how you giggle while reading this, Solitaire is the most popular computer game in use, period. Even my mom plays it at work when she has some spare time, especially during her breaks. OpenGL? You have to be kidding. Tomb Raider, Starcraft, SimCity? Bah. Solitaire, now that is a winner.

Decisions? Who needs to decide anything?

You know, they say that communism was the ultimate ideology to prevent the people from making decisions. Well, PCs revolutionized this in no time. In French, there is a phenomenon we like to call "la loi du moindre effort", which translates into "the smallest effort law". Why should we have to decide anything for ourselves anyway? It is time consuming and it prevents us from focusing on the important issues. Moreover, it wastes our precious energy.

If you used Windows, your computer would determine what is right and wrong for you and then, of course, act accordingly. The days of important responsibilities are over. The burden now lies in the hands of Microsoft! Congratulations, you Mac users have just missed out on all the fun. We always want to have more and make less effort. PCs grant such a request. Your Mac changed you into a slave, buddy.

The Intel Kitchen?

That's right, fellas. You can cook food with the help of your processor. Who needs the conventional oven when your Pentium/Celeron/Athlon (whatever!) produces more heat than the combined efforts of Three Mile Island, Three Rivers, and Chernobyl combined? Just overclock the damn thing and adjust the heat factor to your recipes. I bet it makes great cookies. Barbecue anyone? If you push it to the limit, you might never have to buy logs and matches for the fireplace again. This thing rocks a PC user's world.

The Microsoft Keyboard

Your Mac's keyboard is so... complicated. This is a mess. All those keys, from alphanumerical to Page Up, Page Down, and Control, Shift, Option, Command... enough! Why should we have to deal with all of this? Microsoft makes your life much simpler. You need to master only three keys. Does it sound like a scam? Oh no. Control-Alt-Delete, pal. This is tried, tested and true.

Conclusion

I could go on with several (thousand) other examples to show you that using a Macintosh is simply wrong. Argue all you want, you cannot win. PCs simply rock and the above-mentioned features or applications will allow a PC to beat any Macintosh at any given time. The PC is the best overall appliance for everybody. With Windows shipping on it, you get even more bang for your buck.

*snicker* *snicker*

Happy holidays everybody!

Your comments are welcomed.

Michael Munger is a French Canadian living in Montreal. He discovered the Mac in 1994 while studying journalism, the profession he loves and practices. He also studied history and communications. In addition to his work at The Mac Observer, he authors the iBasics tutorial column at Low End Mac, and cofounded MacSoldiers in 1998.

You can find more about him at his personal Web site.

You are welcome to send me your comments or you can post them below.

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