by Rodney O. Lain
iDVD Brings Porno Movie-Making To The Common Man
January 16th, 2000
It is hard to believe a man is telling you the truth when you know you would lie if you were in his place.
During Steve Jobs' Macworld keynote address, I saw my friend Mac Daddy bolt out of the auditorium right after Steve finished demoing iDVD, the new application that allows you to create and burn user-produced movies to DVD-R.
I followed Mac Daddy for several moments and was amazed at what I saw: he propositioned three extremely beautiful "booth babes," the comely lasses who staff the vendor booths on the Expo floor.
I followed the quartet out of Moscone Convention Center, one block down the street, then one more block past the Sony Metreon metroplex to the Marriot hotel where he and I shared a room. When I saw Mac Daddy brandish a DV camcorder prior to entering the hotel room, it dawned upon me what was occurring.
Morally outraged, I burst into his room, surprising my friend and his soon-to-be starlets, each wearing less clothing that they had just a minute ago. Man, what in the world are you doing?
"I'm trying to get a head start making all of that money that ev'rybody gone be makin'"
"Ev'rybody gone be making billions in porno when they get they hands on that iDVD that Steve was showin'."
I couldn't help but laugh at that. You mean, you think that the only reason that Apple spent R&D money (and purchasing power) to produce iDVD is just so self-styled, wannabe Hugh Hefner's like yourself will have the opportunity to create the next great skin flick?
"You said it better than me." He turned back to the ladies. "Now, I want you and you to sit over there. You other two warm up on the bed; that'll give me time to go and get the midget and the shaving cream."
Wait, wait, wait! You have to finish explaining yourself. You mean to say that Apple will be responsible for an explosion in web porno?
"Hell, yes. I have a mission to bring quality entertainment to all those 'one-hand surfers' out there."
[Laughing to keep from crying.] You mean to tell me that you believe there is a market for homemade porno?
"Thank it ain't? I was just reading the other day that somebody did one a' those studies that say the top internet sites that show up on those Yahoo! searches is porno sites. That tells me two things."
"Cha. Ching. Money. Moolah. There is billions of dollars being spent ev'ry year on porno."
There's billions spent every year on illegal drugs, too, but I don't see you out there selling crack...
"Hey, drug dealers get shot. And I'm too pretty to git shot. But, you ain't never seen nobody get shot over filmin' a l'il poontang."
[I can't help but laugh.] You are incorrigible. Okay, assume that you have what it takes to be a big-time film producer. What makes you think that your films are going to sell?
"Didn't you see that booth set up on the show floor?"
"I forgit the name. But they was a film company that makes booty flicks."
Booty flicks. Okay, so a blue film maker sets up shop at Macworld, and you believe that bodes well for anyone with a camera and a pocket full of condoms.
"Nope. Mine are gon' be better because I have vision. Just like Steve Jobs."
"Yeah. I'm gon' give people the kind of films that they want."
Such as... ?
"I ain't gon' have films with all of that unnecessary stuff?"
"Stuff like dialogue, scenery, special effects..."
"Now, you getting' it. You see, most men -- and it is men who buy those movies -- men don't care about all of that talking and bad acting that happens between the scenes. They usually fast forward it. (I know I do.)"
So, you're going to cut out the extraneous and focus on the meat of the matter. I guess you think the sex scenes are where the real acting occurs.
"Who gon' be actin'? My films gon' be documentaries, like 'Survivor.'"
[Laughing] Why do I even waste my time with you. What goes on in your mind? I'll bet it's a damp, dark and sticky place, your mind.
"But I'm gon' be rich, filmin' people having freaky, circus sex."
I take all of this as your way of approving the latest batch of Apple products?
"Hell, yeah. Apple is gon' make this black man rich."
And you have no problem using those young ladies to enrich yourself?
"It's what America's all about, baby. Besides. If I do, somebody else would. Now where were we, ladies?"
Your comments are welcomed.
Rodney O. Lain is a junior manager at a major corporation. He enjoys public speaking, mentoring minority college students, and helping community multicultural-awareness efforts. He also "preaches the Gospel" at a Minneapolis Micro Center -- he's the bald black guy. Rodney "drives" a G4 Cube and a PowerBook G3. After enjoying a popular run at Mac Addict.com, "iBrotha" was axed, to readers' dismay. Back by popular demand, it now runs exclusively at Mac Observer every other Friday, replacing "Rodney's Soapbox."
[Editor's Note: Rodney O.Lain passed away in June, 2002.]
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