by Rodney O. Lain
Watson, Sherlock, iMac & 'iApps' Still Catalyze Entrepreneuring Porno Purveyors, Redux
February 15th 2002
A few nights ago I was out on the town taking in some, ahem, adult entertainment.
Shall I go in a circle? Like the merry go round?
That you and your girl friends used to ride all up and down.
Talk to me baby. Tell me how you want to be done.
Shall I "write" the alphabet? Or shall I just "write" my name?
You tell me. You're the ruler in this telephone game.
Prince, "Tell Me How U Wanna B Done"
So, there I am, incognito and ensconced in the darkest of the establishment's dark corners. As I slammed down club soda and wondered why Minnnesota even has strip joints if alchohol isn't allowed -- drunk tippers are big tippers, methinks -- a ruckus broke out next to the runway. I noticed a familiar form in heated debate with one of the bouncers as the bouncer escorted him and his digital camcorder away from the stage and to a table next to me. I shake me head at my rotten luck. Of all the people to run into. Oh, well...
What's up, Mac Daddy? And why do you have a dollar bill stuck to your forehead?
"What you doin here?" Mac Daddy asks, peeling the dollar bill from his forehead. "And if people ask you, my name Raoul, and I'm a movie producer from Chatsworth, California."
I know I shouldn't ask, but why Chatsworth, and not L.A.?
"Cuz ev'rybody know that Chatsworth is the porno capitol of the world."
Yep, I knew that I shouldn't ask. Anyway, how do you know that Chatsworth is the capitol of, uh, naughty movies?
"Cuz every porno movie has a screen at the beginning that has a address in Chatsworth."
My malaprop amigo, I didn't know that you even read the credits, ever since you discovered the fast-forward button on your VCR.
"Well, this you now know. So, I guess you been lookin for me 'cause you need some more good lines for that sorry l'il column you write? I saw you used me all over that other one. Yo punk ass. One day everybody gone see that you ain't worth a..."
Hey! Watch your mouth! I write for a family-oriented publication.
"Umph, umph, umph! Look what the Lawd done put on this earth!" Mac Daddy shouts when a nubile little vixen wiggles energetically down the runway and swings around a pole. I follow his gaze and notice the young lady he is ogling, prompting me to reply...
Yes, she is a healthy looking piece of work, isn't she? (Mac Daddy slaps a dollar bill onto his forehead and begins a mad rush to the front row, only to stop dead after catching a mean stare from the bouncer nearby.)
"Hey, my brotha! I just wanna go and get a close up!" he says, fingering his video camcorder. The bouncer just glares at him, so he sits back down. "So you gone write about my Web site, Rodney Plodney?"
What web site?
"MacDaddy.com. I'm getting a million hits a day."
Shyeah, right. So what do you have on your site that is so popular?
"What else? Good, old fashioned, preemo porno. You thought I was playing when I started making my own 'home movies' last year."
What makes you think your porno is any different -- much less, better -- than the thousands of sites currently on the Web?
"Ask yo momma."
Hey, don't play the dozens with me. What can I write this time that is any different than whatwe covered this time last year?
"Plenty, old boy. Apple is giving us porno producers all a' the tools to put Chatsworth out of business," he pauses briefly to dilate his pupils on one silicon-enhanced dancer who is well-endowed. Very well endowed. Then he continues, "uh, Apple gone help me put Chatsworth out of business and put Minneapolis on the map."
(Sigh.) Do, tell.
"I will. Look at what Apple is doin'. They gave me iDVD and iMovie to make the movies. They gave me the iPod to carry around my video clips.They just gave me QuickTime Streaming Server 4 and 'bout to give me QuickTime 6 for my subscribers (by the way, I bet I got mo paid subscribers than that O' Bryan Chaffin and Davey Hamilton). Then Apple gave me Watson to find my nekkid pictures on that internet, and they gave me iPhoto to organize them. Too bad, they didn't wanna join an' hep me sell some photo albums. I tole them..."
Hold up. Apple doesn't make Watson; Karelia Software makes that. And what does Watson and iPhoto have to do with porn?
"You kidding, right? Everybody knows that Sherlock is known as 'porn searcher.' Watson does the same thing, except you get to look at the pictures before you download them. That way you can skip the fat chicks, the hairy chicks, the scary chicks and the chicks with..."
I thought I told you to watch your language!
"You finished whinin'? Good. Now, everybody know that Watson is used to find porn. Look at what that guy said on they own Web site."
Oh, yeah. You mean that customer quote from a guy named Jack Campbell, who said, "Watson will likely save me an hour a week of frustrating HTML click-throughs." You think he was talking about porn?
"What else is a man gone waste a hour a week clicking through fo'?"
I never thought I'd say it, but you do have a point. Well, what does iPhoto have to do with porn?
"Lawd, lawd, lawd! We spend millions to educate the heathen in Afghanistan, and I got me all this here ignorants in my midst! Look, boy, what else is a man gone have photo collections of?"
"Thank you. And that there iPhoto helps me organize my collection," Mac Daddy says, pulling an iBook out of his backpack, and launches iPhoto. "Look here. Thanks to Apple, I can organize all of my bee..."
"I can organize all of my ladies. Look I got a category everything."
All I see is "kinky," "kinkier," and "kinkiest."
"What else does a brotha need?"
And what is the category labeled 'us lesbians.'
"I thought you knew. I'm a lesbian. Man, I love me some wimmin!"
I think you need to consult a dictionary, not to mention get hooked on phonics. So what are you doing with that camcorder.
"This is where I get my video content for the site."
And that's legal? The owners let you do it?
"Naw, but he does," he says, pointing to the bouncer.
Wait a minute. Didn't he just beat you up over there.
"He just be ackin."
What do you mean, acting?
"He let me film all I want to, but he have to make it look like he is stopping me so his boss don't wise up. He 'beats me up' a l'il bit, then he 'chase' me over to this here corner. Then I film all of my stuff with the zoom lens. Then, bam! I throw down wit iMovie. Then, bam! I thrown down with iDVD, then bam! Mo' money, mo' money, mo' money!"
What about the bouncer? What does he get out of it?
"Yep. That man make $3,000 a week just by lettin' me film some T and some A."
"That's on a slow week."
On a slow week? Where do I sign up to get in on the action?
"Right over there." He points out the window.
You mean that long line across the street? But that's the line into the Apple Store.
"I know. Who you think they selling all those new G4 iMacs to? To consumers? Man, that iMac is a bidness machine. And they selling all of them to bidness men."
And to think I thought the iMac and iApps would create a Mac community full of Steven Spielberg's, not a coterie of perverted filmaker wannabe's.
"They coulda been Spielberg's but they won't now."
And why not?
"Did you see 'A. I.'? Who wants to be a Spielberg after seeing that?"
Touché, my prurient friend. Touché.
It means nasty.
"Who you callin' nasty? You must not seen my lastest video. I had a camera in yo house on Valentine's Day. And I got a video of you and yo woman, when you..."
"Oh, I did. I got a video of you dressed in a bunny suit. I caught the part where yo woman shined a flashlight in yo eyes to freeze you in yo tracks, like those rabbit hunters do. Who nasty now, Blobney?"
I've got to go.
Rodney O. Lain is not Mac Daddy, because Rodney understands subject-verb agreement. When he isn't splitting infinitives, he writes his iBrotha column for The Mac Observer, as well as the occasional editorial. Rodney lives in Minnesota, where he is an IT supervisor for The Man at a Fortune 50 company.
Your comments are welcomed.
Rodney O. Lain is a junior manager at a major corporation. He enjoys public speaking, mentoring minority college students, and helping community multicultural-awareness efforts. He also "preaches the Gospel" at a Minneapolis Micro Center -- he's the bald black guy. Rodney "drives" a G4 Cube and a PowerBook G3. After enjoying a popular run at Mac Addict.com, "iBrotha" was axed, to readers' dismay. Back by popular demand, it now runs exclusively at Mac Observer every other Friday, replacing "Rodney's Soapbox."
[Editor's Note: Rodney O.Lain passed away in June, 2002.]
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