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Idiots & The Vice President
August 22nd, 2000

Gary: Well here we are with another column and our topic list is as blank as the stare in your eyes.

Randy: Well that can mean only one thing.

Gary: It's time to post the video of you dancing nude on the appetizer table at the Apple party in san Francisco last January?

Randy: No! (whispered) I thought you trashed that thing.

Gary: No way dude. I am going to be holding this over your head until the day you die.

Randy: Great. But I was trying to talk about the column. It's usually about this time we give the old drawstring a tug and open the mail bag for a little

Both: VIEWER MAIL!

Subject: Your article Idiots Survive MacWorld Expo, New York City Doesn't Fair as Well.
Unless you had in mind a play on words (Expo, fair, etc.) , the spelling you want is FARE...

Regards Ken

Randy: Well Ken it's nice to see our readers are on their scholarly toes. Usually we don't stoop to such cheap literary tricks as puns, or as the thespians say, a "play on words."

Gary: Or imagery, plot or the proper use of prepositions. But are you sure you mean thesbians?

Randy: But every now and then when the language grabs us, we have been known to trip the verbal light fantastic.

Gary: Are you telling people we danced together?

Randy: We indulge in duel of wits using words as our weapons.

Gary: Alright, that's enough Cyrano! You keep on rambling like this and I shall have my fist meat your brain.

Randy: Hey, good one.

Dear Idiots,

After having enjoyed your column for over a year now I feel I know something about you, and I am going to go out on a limb here. Randy, I am thinking about dropping my current running mate, Joe Lieberman, in the upcoming election. After all the flack the press has thrown at Joe for his ultra conservative views I am looking to replace him with someone who is young, intelligent and savvy to help win this election. I know this is a lot to ask, given your already heavy burden with the Mac Observer and your other projects, but I wouldn't ask it if I didn't feel confident that you are the man to help the Democratic party win the bid for the presidency.

I ask you, brother to brother, will you fight with me?

Best regards, and hoping to hear your reply soon,

Al

PS. Tell Gary I think I can snag him a position as my official golf caddy. It's the best I can offer given his short attention span and other mental disorders.

Randy: Wow! Well that was an unexpected letter! Mr. Vice President I am honored that you have extended the offer of this position to me. The opportunity to help shape this great nation of ours is truly the chance of a lifetime.

Unfortunately, I can not accept your charge at this time. Not when I have a duty here. Not when there are people who still think that the only thing a computer is good for is typing spreadsheets.

(The humming of patriotic music is heard in the background.)

Randy: Not when there are people who still think a DOS C: prompt is sexy.

Gary: (Yawn.)

Randy: Not when there are people who go to work every day and actually use their T1 high speed connections to do work instead of streaming videos and games. No Mr. Vice President, I can not unburden myself of this responsibility, no matter how tempting it may sound to go live in the White House. (Because Bill sure did make it look fun!)

Gary: Are you through yet?

Randy: Almost. Just keep humming.

I must stay and fight my battle and you must go and fight yours. May we both be victorious. And someday, the good Lord willing we will stand on the field of battle together as comrades in arms. But for now my destiny has been chosen.

Gary: Hey I'll give you a cold one if you will shut up.

Randy: And that would be my destiny calling right now. Toss one over.

Gary: You know the Vice President doesn't live in the White House.

Randy: No?

Gary: Naww, I think he and the Vice lady sleep in a double wide out in the White House backyard.

Randy: So it's just like when they lived in Tennessee.

(Rim shot)

Gary: Hey! But let's get back to the real letters shall we. Somehow I don't think the Al Gore would quote a Batman movie in his offer of the Vice Presidency.

Randy: Ooooh, busted.

    Dudes!

    Quote: "Another very cool flight sim was ported over by another Texas company. Graphic Simulations ported F/A-18 Korea/Hornet Gold for the Mac, and are bringing the game I have most been jonesing for to my Macintosh, [Baldur's Gate]."

    F/A-18 Hornet was and still is a full 100% certified Mac product! Up to version 2 there was only a Mac version, and no Windows Hornet existed. When they introduced Hornet 3 they also made a PC version. F/A-18 Hornet is one of those games that started out on the Mac and later got ported to the Windows side!!!

    Graphic Simulations did a good job on porting Descent 3 and <hopefully> they will do a good job on Baldur's Gate too!

    regards

    Ronald

Gary: Oh, So Ronald thinks he knows more than us, huh? Well, Ronald, here's what I have to say to you!

Randy: Uh, man, he clearly does know more than us. Why the hostility, lil buddy?

Gary: Well, he does know more than us, and all it would have taken to make that column accurate was a little research.

Randy: No, we're not going to be doing that.

Gary: Good answer! That was just a little test. Research! You have got to be kidding. Besides, how else will we get readers to help write our column when they correct our erroneous statements?

Randy: See, we are always thinking. By the way, thanks for the good catch there, Ronald.

Gary: It looks like we have one more letter in the mailbag.

    Hey Idiots,

    I have been reading your column for over a year now and I have a couple of comments. First of all, Gary is awesome! He clearly is the driving force behind The Idiots. Why he would allow himself to be shackled to that dolt Randy is beyond me.

    Gary's incredible good looks come through in every word he writes, while it is clear that Randy is some kind of crustacean or something. While I think it is amazing that a deep sea creature could actually contribute to a weekly column, I think that the quality of the column would increase dramatically if Gary partnered with a human. Randy should be sautéed and served over pasta.

    Sincerely,

    A super-cute bikini model

Randy: What the hell? Dude, what are you trying to pull?

Gary: Umm, I do not know what you could be talking about. Clearly, she is very observant. She sounds hot.

Randy: That is your handwriting!

Gary: Let me see....nope. You are wrong once again. Boy, she really knows her stuff.

Randy: That does it! You are going down!

Gary: Where? Under the sea, where you live? Get it? Because of the crustacean thing...

Randy: Here I come, freakboy!

Gary: AAAAUUUUUGGGGHHHH!!!!!!!!

Gary Randazzo and Randy Soare are the co-founders of IWS Interactive, a New York based game developer for Macintosh. The IWS in IWS Interactive stands for Idiots With Sticks. How that came about is a long and boring story, but suffice it to say that at four in the morning, it seemed like a good idea.

The demo for IWS Interactive's upcoming mystery-adventure game, Manhattan Apartment Hunter, has recently been released to rave reviews. The Idiots have been into gaming on Apple computers even before the Mac was around. Does anyone remember Choplifter on the Apple IIe? (Boy, we know we do.) Now, they are committed to help ensure that the Mac remains the premiere gaming platform on the planet.

You can email your comment and suggestions to Randy at , and Gary at .


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