This was just sent to me by the database designer at work (she’s Scots):

Tony Blair is visiting an Edinburgh hospital. He enters a ward full of patients with no obvious sign of injury or illness and greets one.

The patient replies:
“Fair fa your honest sonsie face, Great chieftain o the puddin race,
Aboon them a ye take yer place, Painch, tripe or thairm,
As langs my airm.”

Blair is confused, so he just grins and moves on to the next patient. The patient responds:
“Some hae meat an canna eat, And some wad eat that want it,
But we hae meat an we can eat, So let the Lord be thankit.”

Even more confused, and his grin now rictus-like, the PM moves on to the next patient, who immediately begins to chant:
“Wee sleekit, cowerin, timorous beasty, O the panic in thy breasty,
Thou needna start awa sae hastie, Wi bickering brattle”

Now seriously troubled, Blair turns to the accompanying doctor and asks, ‘Is this a psychiatric ward?’

‘No,’ replies the doctor, ‘this is the serious Burns unit.’

We really need a rimshot smiley.

You are right, though. that really was an appalling joke!

Not only does Nick Kim create an appalling pun in the title, he makes it worse in the final frame…

ba da boom…

Apple announced today that it has developed a computer chip that can store and play music in women’s breast implants.

The iBreast will cost $499 or $599 depending on cup size.

This is considered to be a major breakthrough because women are always complaining about men staring at their breasts and not listening to them.

A moment’s silence please, for Marcel Marceau. If a mime dies, is there any sound? it’s a mute point.

Sorry, those jokes were really dumb.

Sometimes bad puns can be serious in intent.

Last month the men of New Zealand (and elsewhere I believe) turned it into Movember. At the beginning of the month they shaved, and then grew moustaches for a month. Money raised went to prostate cancer research - and we’re talking several million dollars raised. Nice one, bros!

Now, ready for next month, a woman in Christchurch (close your eyes and don’t read the rest if you are of a tender disposition) has raised the fund-raising concept of Fanuary. (Pointer to USArians: what you call a fanny, and what we call a fanny, are in close proximity; they are not the same thing). On the first of January they shave, then not again for the rest of the month. They are to send (tasteful, of course) photographs into the website at the start, then again at the end, and the best - umm - arrangement will win a prize. Money raised will go towards gynaecological cancer research.

Now, heaping Pelion upon Ossa, the catchphrase: Wax Is Wack, Bring Muff Back. My wife suggested the 31st of January should be called Mufti Day.

A New Zealander man
With a permanent tan
That’s a Maori

When you look at a pic
And it looks pretty ick,
That’s a moiré.

If you swim in the sea
And an eel bites your knee,
That’s a moray.

If “King Kong” has gone flat,
Rent the film “Vampire Bat”,
That’s some more Wray.