Wasting Time with The Idiots - The Idiots Final Column...Really, This Time

by , 1:10 PM EDT, October 27th, 2008

Column #80,029,270
What the Hell?!!...

Gary: Hey man. What's up?

Randy: Holy Crap!? Where have we been?? It's like we just woke up from the sleep of the dead.

Gary: Well not quite, but we'll get to that.

Randy: So where did we go?? Did we ascend to a higher conscienceness plane and transcend our earthly bodies. For like 5 years!!

Gary: First off, too much watching of the Stargate. Secondly, no. It looks like we have pretty much been living our lives. Having kids, working jobs...

Randy: Drinking vodka. Playing with our Wiis...

Gary: Visiting sites like Two Girls...

Randy: Whoa, whoa, whoa there...

Gary: ...and the Art of ColdFusion Programming. What did you think I was going to say?

Randy: Ummmm... uh... never mind. SO, to what do we owe this completely out of the blue, surprise column?

Gary: Well we have some news to share with our readers.

Randy: Our readers?? Dude we haven't published a column for like half a decade. Somehow I feel most of our old faithful readers have long since grown up to read far more mature (and technically accurate) forms of literature.

Gary: Like Stuff Magazine?

Randy: Uh...sure. Why not.

Gary: But as I was saying, we have some news to share.

Randy: Ralph Nader is back in the running for president?

Gary: No...

Randy: Sarah Palin is posing for Penthouse Magazine?

Gary: Wow! ?Uhmm. No and no...

Randy: Johnny Dep, Brad Pitt and Leonardo DiCaprio are starring in a movie entitled, "The Three Stooges. A Story of Tragedy, Sin and Wicked Face Slapping"

Gary: Really?? That's the best you could come up with?

Randy: Aaaaah, I...uhmmm...yeah. That's all I got.

Gary: Are you through?

Randy: FSCK...platapus... "Don't tase me bro"... button-less trackpad... Okay. I'm through.

Gary: You hit your head a lot as a small child, didn't you?

Randy: So!?

Gary: As I was saying. We have some important news.

Randy: Got it. Let it fly.

Gary: I have died.

Randy: ...Excuse me??!

Gary: You heard right. I have passed on. I have ceased to be. I have expired and gone to meet my maker. I am a late Idiot. I'm a stiff. Bereft of life, I rest in peace. And if you hadn't nailed me to that perch I would be pushin' up the daises.?

Randy: Wait... Nailed you to a perch?

Gary: I've flown the curtain and joined the choir invisible. I am an ex-Idiot!

Randy: No, no. You're just resting!

Gary: Resting?

Randy: Yeah, you're a remarkable bird, the Norwegian Blue!

Gary: Hold it! We are turning my announcement into a Monty Python reference, are we!?

Randy: No we're not.

Gary: Yes we are!

Randy: No we are not.

Gary: Oh this is futile.

Randy: No it's not.

Gary: Yes...I've had enough of this. Oh shut up!? We're doing Python again!! I'm trying to be serious here.

Randy: But that would suck. We have never been serious here. And I certainly don't want to start now, over this!

Gary: We'll tough nuts to you my friend. That's the way it is

Randy: But this blows. What about all the columns we didn't write over the past five years

Gary: You'll just have to write those without me. Just like you're writing this one

Randy: But who will I stay up too late with to drink too much vodka and play Myst Online with?

Gary: You know GameTap took that down, don't you?

Randy: Bitches!

Gary: But we are grown men, in your own infantile way, and I think you can handle this

Randy: That's doesn't mean I want to. It's not fair.

Gary: I know. But that's life, chompy. It's not fair. Just like eating a plate of lard nachos everyday is bad for you, no matter how delicious it may taste. Turns out, they will get you in the end.

Randy: I'm gonna' say this in anger and then go on to regret it later, but life sucks!

Gary: Life is hard, and then you die. I'm just fulfilling the second half of my obligation. But actually life doesn't suck. It's a great gift, and it sure was fun while it lasted. I married a wonderful wife and raised a fantastic kid. I got to be part of the amazing Mac community. And, I had friends like you.

Randy: I...I... I could use a snappy put down to kind of break the sadness here...

Gary: Sorry brotha... I'm fresh out.

Randy: I'm gonna' miss you man.

Gary: I know. But you've still got a lot to do in life. So don't you, or any of our friends out there waste a minute of it. Because, take it from me, you never know how much time you have left. Cherish it, because it is precious.

Randy: Can I just say this?? "Worst column EVER!"

Gary: If it will make you feel better.

Randy: I guess it doesn't much. Is there anything I can do... you know... to help.

Gary: Sure. Why don't you give a donation in my name to the American Heart Association?? So we can help other folks avoid what happened to me.

Randy: You got it brotha. I...uhhhhhmmm...

Gary: Yes?

Randy: I'm kind of blown away here. And for once I'm at a loss for words.

Gary: That's cool. I have said what I came to say. So why don't we just close this puppy out in our usual ridiculous manner.

Randy: I..uhmmm... I'm having a hard time trying to wrap this up. I'm kind of all choked up right now.

Gary: Well then, I think we have gone on for far too long. Why don't we just thank everyone for their readership, and call it a day?

Randy: ...K...

Gary: To all you wonderful readers and supporters of TMO and the long lost fans of the Idiots, thank you for your support, your feedback and all that each of you bring to this world. Live well, and take care of each other.

Randy: ...Yeah...What Gary said... you know... So long, and thanks for all the fish.

Dedicated to the memory of Gary Wayne Randazzo,
aka King Fresh Sauce.
1967 - 2008

Gary Randazzo and Randy Soare are the co-founders of IWS Interactive. The IWS in IWS Interactive stands for Idiots With Sticks. How that came about is a long and boring story, but suffice it to say that at four in the morning, it seemed like a good idea.

The demo for IWS Interactive's long-lost mystery-adventure game, Manhattan Apartment Hunter, was recently updated by Gary before his passing to run on Max OS X. Feel free to download a copy and play it for old times sake. The Idiots have been into gaming on Apple computers even before the Mac was around. Does anyone remember Choplifter on the Apple IIe? (Boy, we know we do.) The Idiots are committed to help ensure that the Mac remains the premiere computing platform on the planet.