Commander Gary and Cadet Randy
January 1st, 1999 

Narrator: As the New Year approaches, we find the Idiots in their secret underground cave, preparing for the challenges ahead. The Idiots are working furiously, to make sure that their columns for 1999 will be packed full of information and fun. Not that garbage they passed off last year, but top-notch pieces that will be the envy of columnists everywhere.

The Idiots have plenty of surprises up their sleeves for their loyal readers. The state of Macintosh gaming faces many new challenges in the year ahead, and the Idiots will be there to document the way and keep the dedicated readers of The Name of the Game more informed than the rest of the saps out there.

What mysteries lie ahead, dear readers? What amazing feats will our intrepid heroes perform this year for your reading entertainment? Will they be able to convince somebody that they actually do know what they are talking about?

Randy: Who the hell are you talking to?

Gary: Oh! Heh, heh, I didn't see you there, buddy… I was just, I was just… uh…nothing.

Randy: Are you pretending to be the narrator again? How many times do I have to tell you that we don't have a narrator?

Gary: Well, we should. Batman does. And Batman also has a sidekick that is supportive. Why can't you be more like Robin?

Randy: I'm the sidekick?!? About the only sidekick thing about me is how I am about to sidekick you in your brain!

Gary: You have a lot of anger, my friend. You should make a New Year's resolution to deal with that. My resolution last year was to try to be kinder to the less fortunate. You know, losers and freaks and the like.

Why are you backing away like that?

Randy: Well, when the lightning strikes, I want to have a chance of surviving. Okay, okay, let's get on with it. The whole point of this bit was to get around to talking about New Year's resolutions.

So, Gary, what resolution are you making this year?

Gary: Well, I gave it a lot of thought and I have decided on one very important thing. I resolve to spend less time playing games and avoiding my responsibilities, and to try to get the column in on time.

Randy: Hey! That was my resolution! You can't steal mine! I spend way too much time playing games, and avoiding responsibility.

But I like avoiding responsibility. I like it a lot.

I guess you can keep your stupid resolution.

Gary: Thanks. Why don't you resolve to get a narrator, Robin?

Randy: That does it, comedy boy. Let's go!

(crashing sounds ensue)

Narrator: And as the New Year begins, full of hope and promise, we can be assured, dedicated readers, that all will remain the same in the Idiots' world.

Stay tuned for next week's turgid episode!

The Idiots: Who the hell was that?