Pocket Girlfriend

Ok, I’ll admit to being a bit curious. I am a man after all, and the promise of titillation, however benign, is something most men, with the possible exception of my high school gym teacher, would find tough to resist.

I saw Pocket Girlfriend a while back while surfing through the App Store. I snickered back then, wondering what sort of loser person would pay real money for something like that. Every so often I’d see the app and pretty much ignored it.

This week (12/11/09), however, Pocket Girlfriend appeared as #4 on the top ten paid apps list at the App Store. Now, that got me really curious. What could possibly be so great about an app that purports to be a virtual girlfriend. Apple’s app reviewers would not let an app through that displayed anything racier than a wet t-shirt, I knew, so anything that might remotely be of interest to my more baser instincts would definitely not be in the app. Or would it?

So, I bought it.

If you’re thinking about doing the same, don’t.

Pocket Girlfriend depicts a lightly clad young woman, a slow motion movie actually, who stands before you writhing, exposing her belly, and looking more bored than sexy. After about a minute the movie reverses and you can then watch her writhe again as if the movie was being rewound on a tape player. Oh joy! It's a peep show with nothing interesting to peep at.

Touch her and she says male ego boosting and completely inane phrases like, “Ooooh! You have strong hands,” or, “ That tickles!”. She greets you when you open the app, or do pretty much anything else. Shake your phone and she asks if you're dancing or having a fight.

The interface allows you to zoom in to her upper (including head), mid ( I guess to accommodate breast-men) , and lower body. Nothing more is revealed, so don’t get excited. You just get to see the writhing in that particular area a bit closer is all.

There’s not much more to the application. You can have her say things you like to hear from a favorites list. You can type in a question and her replies are as vapid and as meaningless as responses from a fart app. That’s about it.

I could go on about how apps like this promotes a narrow minded and stereotypical view of women and how some men, lacking self esteem I suppose, want to be treated by them. I could talk about how Pocket Girlfirend like apps promote desocialization, driving a wedge between people when we should be trying to get closer. I could talk about these and other things, but why bother? It's  just a silly app with no redeeming value whatsoever.

Bottom line: If Apple wants to clean house it should start with Pocket Girlfriend. It is money and time wasted, not to mention that it is an affront (albeit a mild one) to women. It costs a dollar, but I don't think it's worth a dime. Seriously.

If you want a virtual girlfriend get a Playboy magazine. Move along. There's nothing to see here.

Pocket Girlfriend didn't crash and I suppose that in some social circles, and after a few beers, this app may prove to be funny or at least distracting for a few minutes. For those reasons only I'm giving it my So-So* rating.

Review ItemPocket Girlfriend
ManufacturerAtrium Design
List Price
Street Price
Minimum Requirements

iPod Touch, or iPhone

* Note: My rating system goes like this;

  • Get it Now! - Highest rating and an absolute must-have
  • Highly recommend - Minor flaws, but a great product
  • Recommend - Flawed, but still a solid product
  • So-so - Problem product that may find a niche market
  • Avoid - Why did they bother making it? A money waster.