Why I’m Not Getting An Apple Watch

So I slept through the night last night. I didn’t order an Apple Watch, and yet, the world continues to turn.

It’s pretty straightforward for me: I just got a new computer (related: Force Touch Trackpad is a thing of clicky, clicky beauty). So budgetarily it wasn’t in the cards for me. That might change later, but right now I have no plan to get one. I understand this means I’m some sort of Apple Pariah, or iPariah, in the parlance of our times. At least for the next two weeks I’m not the only one without an Apple watch, so until the 24th I’m just like everybody else.

I didn’t say I didn’t want one, I’m curious and interested and I love new ways to interact with technology. So here’s a list of reasons* I’m not getting the Apple Watch:

Talent. I can’t draw. Not well, anyway. I carry a stylus in my purse because I hate trying to sign my already illegible signature with my finger. Seriously, it’s just a squiggle at the end and I can’t manage to pull it off without some sort of utensil. So I’m already art impaired and now you want me to not only draw stuff to send to other people, but you want me to draw it on that teeny screen AND with my finger? Are you kidding? Way to add insult to injury, Apple.

Problem Child. Between iTunes and iCloud, there’s a LOT of dark magic that goes into maintaining my devices. And I never really think about it much because I’ve been at it for so long. I started fresh on the new machine, so I’ve had to redo things like setting up iTunes backups for my iPhone and iPad, making sure iCloud stuff was functional, authorizing and de-authorizing things, contact and mail syncing…I can’t even keep track of all the chanting and sacrifices I’ve done.

New Chargers. Again. All that stuff about managing iOS devices above? That’s before we even get to charging. With Yet Another USB Cable. You know, to lose or leave home while traveling or find freshly gnawed upon by the cat.

No logo. Seriously Apple? You can’t make it obvious I have an APPLE watch? If the logo isn’t exceedingly visible, how am I supposed to show it off? How am I supposed to make it obvious this isn’t one of those clearly lesser “other” watches? Honestly.

Social Cues. Looking at your watch is a sign the conversation is over, at least for you. It’s the real-life equivalent of getting played off the stage at an awards show. What if I just want to tune this part out? That’s what phones are good for, I can say I’m just letting someone know something, but really I’m on Facebook. How can I do that on a watch?

Left Wrist Only. Since you need the digital crown on a daily basis to interact with it, this makes using one incredibly awkward. Almost as awkward as Jeff over there shouting about how awesome lefty-mode was during his appointment. I have decided he's making it up. Yup. Completely making up that there is any sort of "left handed mode." Like many lovely things in the world, this is not designed for me. Otherwise you people are not helping me convince myself of this.

Budget. I know as an Apple person that isn’t supposed to be a concern, but I own a car and a house, neither of which are brand new, so I have to take that into consideration. At least until the money tree in my backyard finally blooms. I planted the magic beans according to the instructions, but so far, nothing. As I said, I just got a new laptop so I’m good on tech until the fall when my upgrade schedule says I can get a new iPhone 6s (or whatever it will be called). So if something happens between now and then and I can get one, that’s great. If not, I’m content to wait for my new phone. I am content to wait for a new phone. I am content to wait for a new phone. (That’s not a typo, I’m repeating myself so I’ll believe it.)

So there you have it, a list of airtight** arguments against getting an Apple Watch. I am feeling pretty secure about my decision right now. If you have other reasons, I’d love to hear them!

* Yes, a list of reasons. Because I don’t need one. Really. I don’t.

** Not really airtight. In fact more like the opposite of airtight. Porous? Breezy?