Non-existent iPhone 5 exhibits same antenna defect as Verizon iPhone 4

  • Posted: 15 February 2011 07:39 AM

    Non-existent iPhone 5 exhibits same antenna defect as Verizon iPhone 4

    The iPhone 5, despite not existing yet, has been revealed to suffer from an antenna defect similar to the issues discovered in the Verizon iPhone 4 and original iPhone 4. Little to nothing is known about the upcoming fifth generation iPhone beyond the fact that it doesn?t exist, no one has gotten their hands on one, and so the iPhone 5 couldn?t possibly be known to have any defects or issues at this time. But that doesn?t matter, some experts say, because all smartphones from all manufacturers can be made to suffer from a slightly reduced signal strength if held in a specifically concocted way. As such, the iPhone 5 is already known to have antenna issues despite, again, not yet existing.

    The news comes as a shock to some Verizon customers in particular, who opted to skip the Verizon iPhone 4 after hearing that if squeezed in a particular concocted manner, its signal strength could be reduced slightly. ?I was counting on Apple figuring out how to violate the laws of physics by this summer,? replied one despondent onlooker. ?If the Verizon iPhone 5 is subject to the same physical laws as any other smartphone, then what?s this all been about? Apple is clearly overhyped. I?m selling my AAPL stock.? He then pulled his Verizon Droid out of his pocket, launched his mobile stock trading website, and failed to notice when his Droid?s signal strength became slightly reduced after gripping the device at an unnatural angle when he suddenly had to swat frantically at a swarm of bees with his other hand while running down the street backwards.

    It?s not yet clear how this discovery of an iPhone 5 antenna defect might affect Apple?s 2011 prospects, as one tech industry pundit insisted that an immediate product recall is in order. Such a recall may prove to be a challenge for Apple at this time as the iPhone 5 is not set to ship for perhaps half a year or more, and likely can?t be recalled until after it?s begun shipping. Some tech bloggers have already demanded that Apple immediately offer free iPhone 5 cases to all those who might potentially buy an iPhone 5 once it hits the market. When contacted, an Apple rep explained that iPhone 5 cases don?t yet exist because the iPhone 5 body styling hasn?t yet been determined even by Apple itself. But some leading technology experts aren?t buying the explanation, instead pointing to it being yet another example of Apple being needlessly unwilling to discuss products that aren?t yet even close to existing.

  • Posted: 15 February 2011 07:48 AM #1

    More news of the absurd:

    European Utilities Angry that Apple’s Phones Actually Work

    Apple and Google Inc. are increasing their lead in the industry, leaving France Telecom SA and Telefonica SA to bemoan their utility-like status.

    France Telecom, Telefonica and Telecom Italia SpA, all former state phone monopolies, are struggling to convince investors they are more than “dumb pipes” that facilitate the surging demand for data-hungry mobile devices. They are lobbying to have Apple and Google share the burden of upgrading networks.

    “What ze hell”, said Gay Paree, a spokesman for France Telecom. “Vee nevair expected peeple to use our phone and data lines for zair intended purpose! Zis ees all Apple’s fault for making phones zat peeple actually use. Zey must be made to pay I tell vou!”

  • Posted: 15 February 2011 08:06 AM #2

    Microsoft uses hot tub time machine to show that mobile IE9 outpacing iPhone

    Joe Belfiore, a Microsoft corporate vice president, showed off the browser here at the Mobile World Congress show during a keynote speech by Chief Executive Steve Ballmer.

    And he got a laugh from out of the audience when he compared the 50 fish in the IE9 virtual fishtak on an unnamed HTC phone. They flitted rapidly on IE9 but barely moved on Safari.

    “The Safari Web browser is not taking advantage of hardware acceleration so you really get a sense for how dramatic the difference is when we use the full-power capability of the device,” he said.

    Belfiore neglected to emphasize that the version of IE9 he was pitting against Safari isn’t due until toward the end of 2011 with an update to Windows Phone 7, and it’s quite likely Safari will look different then, presumably running on new iPhone hardware.

    A Microsoft spokesperson was happy to further distort the truth. “We think its a shame that after all this time, Apple has yet to learn how to mix up their tenses. Without this ability, Apple is woefully behind in their ability to use non-existng technology products to claim that they are actually ahead of everyone else.” The Microsoft spokesperson went on but only on condition that she not remain anonymous: “Microsoft leads the tech world and, we believe, the entire world in the use of mixed tenses. We think we’re five years ahead of the others,” she proudly boasted “and they’re not catching up any time soon!”

  • Posted: 15 February 2011 08:29 AM #3

    Three Keys for iPad Rivals: Price, Price, and Price

    “Why is price the most important?” asks world famous non-economomist and non-business specialist Tony Bradley?

    “(T)he real reason that price is such an issue is the aura Apple has created for itself. The fabled Apple reality distortion field inflates the perceived value of Apple gadgets. There is a wide variety of digital music playing devices out there. Some of them—such as Microsoft’s Zune—are considered by many to be technically superior to Apple’s iPod lineup, but they have to undercut Apple’s prices to have a chance at competing.

    Bradley then goes on to not explain why Apples vaunted reality distortion field only works for some of Apples products and not for others.

    “It’s really simple” said someone pretending to be Bradley for purposes of this satire. “Quality doesn’t matter, user experience doesn’t matter, good business practices don’t matter, distribution doesn’t matter, good management doesn’t matter, vision doesn’t matter, good design doesn’t matter, engineering doesn’t matter, the operating system doesn’t matter, the software doesn’t matter, and the ecosystem doesn’t matter.”

    “Price is the only thing that matters in all of business. That’s why my house is full of crappy stuff that I buy from K-Mart. Hey,” pretend Bradley closed, “I’d love to chat more, but I think the battery on my Droid is dy…..”

  • Posted: 15 February 2011 08:48 AM #4

    Overheating iPad Lawsuit Tossed by Judge

    The three plaintiffs, Balthazar, Keller and Browning, originally purchased iPads because of Apple?s claims that reading on an iPad is just like reading a book.  Furthermore, they alleged the iPad, unlike a book, overheats in warm weather conditions or when exposed to direct sunlight.

    “It’s outrageous,” snarled a fourth plaintiff who exists only in this reporters’ fevered imagination. “The iPad is an electronic deice made of aluminum and plastic but I was assured that it would work exactly like a book.” The plaintiff then went on, because, frankly, we couldn’t stop him: “I took the iPad to the beach with me and put it in direct sunlight. When I came back eight hours later, it was hot! I mean, what the hell? Books don’t get hot when you put them in direct sunlight do they? Do THEY!

    At this point, you’re intrepid reporter, fearing for his life had to curtail the interview and high-tail it out of there.

    Now after several months, ComputerWorld reports U.S. District Court Judge Jeremy Fogel dismissed the lawsuit submitted in July 2010.  Fogel stated the charges accusing Apple of fraud and deceptive advertising were inadequate and therefore, dropped.

    ?The Court concludes that these allegations are insufficient,? Fogel wrote in his order. ?At the least, Plaintiffs must identify the particular commercial or advertisement upon which they relied and must describe with the requisite specificity the content of that particular commercial or advertisement.?

    When interviewed, the Judge seemed quite chagrined. “I don’t know what came over me” the Judge sighed, looking close to tears. “I’m guessing I was overcome by a bought of common sense. But no worries,” the Judge assured us. “It won’t happen again. I’m having my medication adjusted.”

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    Posted: 15 February 2011 09:15 AM #5

    Falkirk. Great satire here I enjoyed immensely.  This thread is destined to become a TMO classic.


    The study of money, above all other fields in economics, is one in which complexity is used to disguise truth or to evade truth, not to reveal it. The process by which banks create money is so simple the mind is repelled.

  • Posted: 15 February 2011 09:29 AM #6

    macglenn - 15 February 2011 01:15 PM

    Falkirk. Great satire here I enjoyed immensely.  This thread is destined to become a TMO classic.

    Thank you, you are too kind. I got up this morning and read those stories in the exact order that you now see them. The satire just wrote itself.

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    Posted: 15 February 2011 09:51 AM #7

    Fal, Classic Is right! Thanks for entertaing us, especially love the French guys comments grin

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    Posted: 15 February 2011 10:47 AM #8

    I had to check that the links were in fact from The Onion.

  • Posted: 15 February 2011 11:31 AM #9

    What can I say, I’m on a roll:

    Verizon iPhone debut greeted with short lines

    The Verizon iPhone went on sale Thursday, but demand appeared to be tepid, with small or no lines at Verizon and Apple stores.

    When asked for comment, Microsoft, RIM, Nokia, Palm and Google representatives assured us that no lines only meant tepid sales when one was referring to Apple products, never when one was referring to their products. “We’ve never had lines and we always claim we have great sales,” stated a spokesperson who asked to remain anonymous because he’d forgotten his name. “We’re not quite sure why no lines is suddenly a bad thing for Apple and not for us, but we’re tickled pink that it’s so.”

  • Posted: 15 February 2011 12:36 PM #10

    These “news articles” should be forwarded to each, and every, known talking head at MSNBC, CNBC, FNN, WSJ, NYT, FORBES, et al.
    Let them repeat the drivel of the past, as though it were true, at their own peril.

    Well done Falkirk.


    You can’t do more, make more, be more, than the next guy, if you think like the next guy. Think different.

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    Posted: 15 February 2011 02:08 PM #11

    Thanks for the morning laughs, FalKirk. You’d be a big hit on phandroid sites, but they’d miss the satire.

  • Posted: 16 February 2011 09:35 AM #12

    News from around the world of Apple.

    Our top story tonight: Apple is an anti-competitive monopoly:

    Apple App Store subscription plan gouges publishers, eats their young

    Somebody call the cops—eh, antitrust authorities.

    Apple is imposing restrictions on how publishers conduct their business from a monopoly position. Apple has the leading App Store, with 300,000 applications and more than 10 billion downloads. According to IDC, iPad had 87.4 percent share of the global media tablet market in third calendar quarter 2010. That by most measures is a monopoly position.

    - Joe Wilcox

    In other breaking news, Apple is doomed:

    Strategy Analytics’ Apple and Samsung market share analysis is fair

    Earlier today, Bloomberg reported on data from Strategy Analytics stating that Android tablets captured 22 percent market share in Q4, based on 2.1 million shipments, essentially punching market leader iPad smack in the touchscreen. By Strategy Analytics’ reckoning, iPad’s market share dropped from 95 percent to 75 percent in a single quarter.

    - Joe Wilcox

    Our final story tonight is a sad one. Pundit Joe Wilcox has been hospitalized with a neck injury. Apparently Joe changed his position on Apple so quickly that he suffered a severe case of whiplash. Get well Joe. We’re rooting for you!